Minute-by-Minute: "Stacked"
Jake Rossen Jul 10, 2007
With two UFC titles on the line and two marquee names from both
sides of the Atlantic, UFC's Saturday entry -- with the subtle
subtitle "Stacked" -- didn't fail to entertain a vocal Sacramento
crowd.
Unless, of course, some misfortunate athlete allowed 10 seconds to pass without charging headfirst into his opponent, geysers of blood erupting from lacerated scalps. Then they booed. A lot.
If you weren't one of the impatient spectators, or you used up all
of your allotted pay-per-view budget on alternative iNDemand
programming like "Nude Pillow Fights," consider the following notes
the next best thing until you can borrow the DVD.
10:00 p.m. In the requisite noir opening, the main attractions offer their thoughts on the evening's bouts. Heath Herring (Pictures), in full cowboy regalia, looks like Marshall Bravestarr.
10:04 p.m. Goldberg takes a bite of a Baconator from Wendy's and declares it "Quite simply, better than filet mignon. My taste buds are on a meteoric rise."
10:06 p.m. Joe Rogan and Goldberg discuss the "bad blood" circulated by Tito Ortiz (Pictures). Rogan, to his credit, wonders what else is new.
10:08 p.m. Fans are invited to text in their picks for the title fights. 45 percent believe Sean Sherk (Pictures) will beat Hermes Franca (Pictures), 40 percent believe the opposite, and 15 percent messaged that they'll be 15 minutes late for dinner.
10:09 p.m. Amp'd Mobile, which recently filed forChapter 11 bankruptcy elective reorganization,
emerges as a still-viable sponsor.
10:12 p.m. Bottomless well of wisdom Goldberg calls the Nogueira-Herring narrative, in which Nogueira has won virtually every minute of their previous two bouts, a "rivalry."
10:11 p.m. "I don't really consider it a rivalry. I beat him twice already," grunts Nogueira.
10:12 p.m. Herring comes out to a Sergio Leone riff. In cowboy hat and duster, he appears ready to seriously offend California fashion sensibilities.
10:14 p.m. Nogueira strolls out to the Rolling Stones' "Just a Shot Away." Hopefully no Hell's Angels are working security tonight.
10:16 p.m. The Tale of the Tape pops up. Incredibly, Nog is only 31. He looks like Charles Bronson after a liver transplant.
10:17 p.m. "Antonio Rodrigo Minotaurooooo …" Bruce Buffer announces the elaborately named Nogueira. It takes several minutes.
10:22 p.m. Despite a brisk stand-up pace early in the first, the mouth-breathers in ARCO Arena are booing. Thunderdome really was a poor precedent. Thanks for nothing, Mel.
10:23 p.m. Nog clips Herring and has him stumbling backward; Rogan excuses it as bad footing. I call it bad ducking.
10:24 p.m. Nogueira, controlling the round easily to this point, is clocked with a high kick that has him splayed out on the mat. Herring turns it up to finish, but Nog has a head harder than pre-med calculus. The round expires. Nogueira still looks dazed.
10:26 p.m. Despite being presented with a still-woozy foe, Herring doesn't capitalize on it and wastes the first full minute of the second round staring sternly at his opponent.
10:30 p.m. Round two is over. Slower pace, but Nog scored with two takedowns and a brief mount.
10:32 p.m. Josh Koscheck (Pictures) is shown in the crowd; they boo mightily, the stench of his non-fight with Diego Sanchez (Pictures) still permeating their nostrils.
10:34 p.m. Herring escapes a cross-face submission, a less-than-finesse move that involves running your forearm across your opponent's mug and squeezing until you hear something like a saltine cracker being crunched.
10:37 p.m. Fight's over. Looks as though Nogueira wins two rounds to one. In addition to submission attempts, he had Herring backing up for most of the fight.
10:39 p.m. Nog wins his UFC debut, 29-28. I wonder if the production truck will insert a clip of a weeping Japanese woman, just for old times' sake. No dice.
10:41 p.m. Fifty-nine percent of the people voting via text messaging think Tito will win, while 41 percent believe he's destined for career in unnecessary sequels to bad movies.
10:48 p.m. "Prediction: Hermes Franca (Pictures) by submission," says Hermes Franca (Pictures). Prediction: people who refer to themselves in the third person are on a very slippery psychological slope.
10:50 p.m. Franca enters the arena with bleached hair. Compact and tanned, he looks like Tito's ego incarnate.
10:51 p.m. Sean "Muscle Shark" Sherk comes out to the "Jaws" theme. Hopefully his performance will be more Roy Scheider and less "Jaws III."
10:56 p.m. Roy Scheider Franca's eight wins in 18 months is a Tyson-esque schedule, but Sherk's unbelievable work ethic was the focus of a recent SpikeTV special. I wonder if he allotted any time for finishing skills. Might be preferable to flipping a giant tire over and over.
10:57 p.m. Franca opens the fight with an immediate, tight guillotine. After some effort, Sherk pops out.
10:58 p.m. Sherk gains full mount, not an easy thing to impose on Franca.
11:01 p.m. Sherk dominates round one with a smothering of athleticism, the sport at its most clinical. I would like to have seen the fight stood up more, as Sherk wasn't doing any horrific damage.
11:03 p.m. Sherk is caught with a knee at the start of round two, which drops him into a waiting guillotine. Hermes Franca (Pictures) says, "Hermes Franca (Pictures) gonna hurt you."
11:04 p.m. Franca reverses Sherk's mount. Used to be that mount was a kiss of death in this sport. Now you can get by without a scratch. I feel so old.
11:05 p.m. Franca loses top position in less than 10 seconds. Controlling Sherk is like trying to hold down a monkey on cocaine. In other words, good f--king luck.
11:08 p.m. Round two ends. More of the same. 2-0 Sherk via nursing home pillow smother.
11:10 p.m. Sherk gets a big slam in round three, which delights the lazy synapses of the crowd.
11:15 p.m. Round three ends. Sherk remains in control, collegiate-style.
11:21 p.m. Round four ends. Sherk might as well be wearing a singlet.
11:27 p.m. Fight's over. Sherk wins an easy decision by virtue of being a relentless athlete with the gas of a Hess tanker truck. It was a highly impressive fight from an academic perspective, but not one for the highlight reels.
11:35 p.m. Randy Couture (Pictures) pontificates on the Ortiz-Evans bout from ringside. His unrestricted heavyweight frame makes him look unnatural in a suit, like Magilla Gorilla.
11:40 p.m. Evans enters the arena. He comes from an excellent camp but he's probably going to be too small for Tito.
11:43 p.m. Tito enters waving the American flag, hoping some good ol' jingoism can overcome fan apathy.
11:50 p.m. Tito gets the first takedown, but can't hold Evans down.
11:54 p.m. Tito controls round one by being more aggressive, but didn't get the fight to the mat. Seems like their wrestling might negate each other.
11:56 p.m. The two stand and consider trading. Evans has the most spastic stand-up of anyone I've seen, arms flailing like he's being attacked by a swarm of bees.
11:59 p.m. Tito with a takedown, only the second of the fight. Rashad shortly returns the favor, and Ortiz has a point taken away for grabbing the fence. This in addition to the point he had taken away by writing "Sex: Yes" on his fighter license application.
Ortiz had a super-close guillotine at the bell. It's a 9-9 round. Unless Rashad can get a knockdown, or unless the judges develop spontaneous cataracts, the best Evans can hope for is a draw.
12:05 a.m. Surprisingly, Tito looks tired, but Evans doesn't turn it up. Aren't fatigued fighters the best kind to hit?
12:06 a.m. Evans gets a takedown and finally seems prepared to do something, but the round expires.
12:08 a.m. It's a draw. The crowd buzzes their disapproval.
12:09 a.m. Ortiz on the fence grabbing: "If you ain't cheating, you're not trying." Ever the sportsman.
12:12 a.m. UFC Middleweight champ Anderson Silva and Nathan Marquardt (Pictures) discuss their bout. Shockingly, each believes the other will lose.
12:20 p.m. In a nickname that must've taken a full minute to think up, Nate is introduced as "the Great" Marquardt.
12:22 a.m. Nate gets a takedown off of Silva's kick. His corner finally starts breathing again.
12:25 a.m. They're stood up.
12:26 a.m. Hovering over Marquardt, Silva rocks Nate with punches and gets a stoppage victory. Rich Franklin (Pictures) sighs heavily.
12:28 a.m. An early end for Nate is good for fans, as the few who didn't file out of the arena stick around for the Kenny Florian (Pictures)-Alvin Robinson (Pictures) fight.
12:36 a.m. It's a good scrap between Florian and Robinson. Too bad most of the arena is barfing cheap beer out in the parking lot by now. Robinson taps from strikes.
12:38 a.m. Post-fight, Florian says he's a lightweight that finishes fights. Sherk briefly looks up at the backstage television, then resumes polishing his belt.
While far from a legendary night of fights, "Stacked" was a generally agreeable affair, full of talented athletes who were well matched and motivated to win.
And isn't that the point?
For comments, email [email protected]
Unless, of course, some misfortunate athlete allowed 10 seconds to pass without charging headfirst into his opponent, geysers of blood erupting from lacerated scalps. Then they booed. A lot.
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10:00 p.m. In the requisite noir opening, the main attractions offer their thoughts on the evening's bouts. Heath Herring (Pictures), in full cowboy regalia, looks like Marshall Bravestarr.
10:03 p.m. A shamelessly hyperbolic
Mike Goldberg intones that he's about to bear witness to the
"greatest card top to bottom in the history of combat sports." The
2000 PRIDE Grand Prix Finals DVD sits on my shelf, silently
contradicting him.
10:04 p.m. Goldberg takes a bite of a Baconator from Wendy's and declares it "Quite simply, better than filet mignon. My taste buds are on a meteoric rise."
10:06 p.m. Joe Rogan and Goldberg discuss the "bad blood" circulated by Tito Ortiz (Pictures). Rogan, to his credit, wonders what else is new.
10:08 p.m. Fans are invited to text in their picks for the title fights. 45 percent believe Sean Sherk (Pictures) will beat Hermes Franca (Pictures), 40 percent believe the opposite, and 15 percent messaged that they'll be 15 minutes late for dinner.
10:09 p.m. Amp'd Mobile, which recently filed for
10:12 p.m. Bottomless well of wisdom Goldberg calls the Nogueira-Herring narrative, in which Nogueira has won virtually every minute of their previous two bouts, a "rivalry."
10:11 p.m. "I don't really consider it a rivalry. I beat him twice already," grunts Nogueira.
10:12 p.m. Herring comes out to a Sergio Leone riff. In cowboy hat and duster, he appears ready to seriously offend California fashion sensibilities.
10:14 p.m. Nogueira strolls out to the Rolling Stones' "Just a Shot Away." Hopefully no Hell's Angels are working security tonight.
10:16 p.m. The Tale of the Tape pops up. Incredibly, Nog is only 31. He looks like Charles Bronson after a liver transplant.
10:17 p.m. "Antonio Rodrigo Minotaurooooo …" Bruce Buffer announces the elaborately named Nogueira. It takes several minutes.
10:22 p.m. Despite a brisk stand-up pace early in the first, the mouth-breathers in ARCO Arena are booing. Thunderdome really was a poor precedent. Thanks for nothing, Mel.
10:23 p.m. Nog clips Herring and has him stumbling backward; Rogan excuses it as bad footing. I call it bad ducking.
10:24 p.m. Nogueira, controlling the round easily to this point, is clocked with a high kick that has him splayed out on the mat. Herring turns it up to finish, but Nog has a head harder than pre-med calculus. The round expires. Nogueira still looks dazed.
10:26 p.m. Despite being presented with a still-woozy foe, Herring doesn't capitalize on it and wastes the first full minute of the second round staring sternly at his opponent.
10:30 p.m. Round two is over. Slower pace, but Nog scored with two takedowns and a brief mount.
10:32 p.m. Josh Koscheck (Pictures) is shown in the crowd; they boo mightily, the stench of his non-fight with Diego Sanchez (Pictures) still permeating their nostrils.
10:34 p.m. Herring escapes a cross-face submission, a less-than-finesse move that involves running your forearm across your opponent's mug and squeezing until you hear something like a saltine cracker being crunched.
10:37 p.m. Fight's over. Looks as though Nogueira wins two rounds to one. In addition to submission attempts, he had Herring backing up for most of the fight.
10:39 p.m. Nog wins his UFC debut, 29-28. I wonder if the production truck will insert a clip of a weeping Japanese woman, just for old times' sake. No dice.
10:41 p.m. Fifty-nine percent of the people voting via text messaging think Tito will win, while 41 percent believe he's destined for career in unnecessary sequels to bad movies.
10:48 p.m. "Prediction: Hermes Franca (Pictures) by submission," says Hermes Franca (Pictures). Prediction: people who refer to themselves in the third person are on a very slippery psychological slope.
10:50 p.m. Franca enters the arena with bleached hair. Compact and tanned, he looks like Tito's ego incarnate.
10:51 p.m. Sean "Muscle Shark" Sherk comes out to the "Jaws" theme. Hopefully his performance will be more Roy Scheider and less "Jaws III."
10:56 p.m. Roy Scheider Franca's eight wins in 18 months is a Tyson-esque schedule, but Sherk's unbelievable work ethic was the focus of a recent SpikeTV special. I wonder if he allotted any time for finishing skills. Might be preferable to flipping a giant tire over and over.
10:57 p.m. Franca opens the fight with an immediate, tight guillotine. After some effort, Sherk pops out.
10:58 p.m. Sherk gains full mount, not an easy thing to impose on Franca.
11:01 p.m. Sherk dominates round one with a smothering of athleticism, the sport at its most clinical. I would like to have seen the fight stood up more, as Sherk wasn't doing any horrific damage.
11:03 p.m. Sherk is caught with a knee at the start of round two, which drops him into a waiting guillotine. Hermes Franca (Pictures) says, "Hermes Franca (Pictures) gonna hurt you."
11:04 p.m. Franca reverses Sherk's mount. Used to be that mount was a kiss of death in this sport. Now you can get by without a scratch. I feel so old.
11:05 p.m. Franca loses top position in less than 10 seconds. Controlling Sherk is like trying to hold down a monkey on cocaine. In other words, good f--king luck.
11:08 p.m. Round two ends. More of the same. 2-0 Sherk via nursing home pillow smother.
11:10 p.m. Sherk gets a big slam in round three, which delights the lazy synapses of the crowd.
11:15 p.m. Round three ends. Sherk remains in control, collegiate-style.
11:21 p.m. Round four ends. Sherk might as well be wearing a singlet.
11:27 p.m. Fight's over. Sherk wins an easy decision by virtue of being a relentless athlete with the gas of a Hess tanker truck. It was a highly impressive fight from an academic perspective, but not one for the highlight reels.
11:35 p.m. Randy Couture (Pictures) pontificates on the Ortiz-Evans bout from ringside. His unrestricted heavyweight frame makes him look unnatural in a suit, like Magilla Gorilla.
11:40 p.m. Evans enters the arena. He comes from an excellent camp but he's probably going to be too small for Tito.
11:43 p.m. Tito enters waving the American flag, hoping some good ol' jingoism can overcome fan apathy.
11:50 p.m. Tito gets the first takedown, but can't hold Evans down.
11:54 p.m. Tito controls round one by being more aggressive, but didn't get the fight to the mat. Seems like their wrestling might negate each other.
11:56 p.m. The two stand and consider trading. Evans has the most spastic stand-up of anyone I've seen, arms flailing like he's being attacked by a swarm of bees.
11:59 p.m. Tito with a takedown, only the second of the fight. Rashad shortly returns the favor, and Ortiz has a point taken away for grabbing the fence. This in addition to the point he had taken away by writing "Sex: Yes" on his fighter license application.
Ortiz had a super-close guillotine at the bell. It's a 9-9 round. Unless Rashad can get a knockdown, or unless the judges develop spontaneous cataracts, the best Evans can hope for is a draw.
12:05 a.m. Surprisingly, Tito looks tired, but Evans doesn't turn it up. Aren't fatigued fighters the best kind to hit?
12:06 a.m. Evans gets a takedown and finally seems prepared to do something, but the round expires.
12:08 a.m. It's a draw. The crowd buzzes their disapproval.
12:09 a.m. Ortiz on the fence grabbing: "If you ain't cheating, you're not trying." Ever the sportsman.
12:12 a.m. UFC Middleweight champ Anderson Silva and Nathan Marquardt (Pictures) discuss their bout. Shockingly, each believes the other will lose.
12:20 p.m. In a nickname that must've taken a full minute to think up, Nate is introduced as "the Great" Marquardt.
12:22 a.m. Nate gets a takedown off of Silva's kick. His corner finally starts breathing again.
12:25 a.m. They're stood up.
12:26 a.m. Hovering over Marquardt, Silva rocks Nate with punches and gets a stoppage victory. Rich Franklin (Pictures) sighs heavily.
12:28 a.m. An early end for Nate is good for fans, as the few who didn't file out of the arena stick around for the Kenny Florian (Pictures)-Alvin Robinson (Pictures) fight.
12:36 a.m. It's a good scrap between Florian and Robinson. Too bad most of the arena is barfing cheap beer out in the parking lot by now. Robinson taps from strikes.
12:38 a.m. Post-fight, Florian says he's a lightweight that finishes fights. Sherk briefly looks up at the backstage television, then resumes polishing his belt.
While far from a legendary night of fights, "Stacked" was a generally agreeable affair, full of talented athletes who were well matched and motivated to win.
And isn't that the point?
For comments, email [email protected]
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