10 Turkeys: The Biggest Disasters in MMA This Year, Part 1
Jake Rossen Nov 25, 2009
There’s shame in labeling a Thanksgiving-themed blog posting with
any variation of biggest turkeys, roasted birds, stuffed
this-or-that, etc. It’s obvious and lazy and possibly an insult to
you, the reader, who expects better.
But if it weren’t for meeting low expectations, I wouldn’t be meeting any at all. And so I give you the bird. Forgive me. In honor of the holiday meat of choice, the 10 biggest blunders, disasters, and face-plants in the sport for 2009. And if you think this is bad, remember that we have another five weeks to go.
10. Chuck
Liddell: Ballroom Dancer
Unless it’s based around paternity results, a primetime network slot on a reality show is good for fighters and good for the sport. But that counter is out the window when you consider “Dancing with the Stars” participant Chuck Liddell is semi-retired, has the charisma of Styrofoam, and all the grace of someone who has been punched in the head for 20 years straight. And this doesn’t even consider the bowler, the feather-boas, and the dance routines that looked like he had stuck his finger in a light socket before taking the stage. Forget his repeated concussions: This is the kind of hurt that stays with you.
9. Afflicted
Dissatisfied with spinning off apparel that would’ve looked dated in a 1985 Misfits video, clothing company Affliction invested millions into a gawky, garish pay-per-view production featuring non-sequitur musical acts and papered crowds. The entire thing was insufferable, but at least we were promised a competitive fight between Fedor Emelianenko and Josh Barnett. Then Barnett urinated motor oil. Then the promotional arm of the company folded. We learned spending millions to make thousands was unsound business.
But at least it’s over, right? No. No, no. Freed from his contract, Emelianenko fought a tire-changer from Sam’s Club. Affliction is the tragedy that keeps on giving.
8. GreaseGate
I can’t override the psychological block created to smother details of B.J. Penn’s complaint against Georges St. Pierre earlier in the year. It had something to do with accusations St. Pierre had his team lubricate his back in order to make it difficult for Penn to defend himself from guard. There were commission hearings, media notices, possibly some kind of Congressional petition -- all over a blob of Vaseline errantly smeared on St. Pierre’s spine, all paid for by the taxpayers of Nevada. Ask for an itemized bill, gang.
7. Silva/Leites: Blame Canada
The greater the exclamations, the greater the expectations: no one was the recipient of more pre-fight hype this year than Anderson Silva, who entered into an April fight with Thales Leites as nothing less than a state-subsidized serial killer. Viewers expected “Mortal Kombat”; what they got was E.T., the Video Game, with Silva reluctant to strike, reluctant to grapple, and reluctant to refund any money. Not only 2009’s worst main event, but one of the worst in history: Silva’s personal “Rocky V.”
6. Holiday Hams
Despite having the screen presence of the catering truck, fighters are being recruited by casting agents and producers with alarming and increasing regularity. (If you don’t believe me, you could suffer through “Blood & Bone, the “Ocean’s 11” of movies with an MMA fetish.) Stunt casting has robbed of us of at least two proper Cung Le bouts in 2009; it appears set to shelve Gina Carano through the middle of next year. And there’s not much else to be said for Quinton Jackson in the “The A-Team,” which might do for Jackson what “Stone Cold” did for Brian Bosworth. Or worse. Fighters are not actors, actors are not rappers, and fans are not so easily swayed.
Check back Thursday for the remaining turkeys.
But if it weren’t for meeting low expectations, I wouldn’t be meeting any at all. And so I give you the bird. Forgive me. In honor of the holiday meat of choice, the 10 biggest blunders, disasters, and face-plants in the sport for 2009. And if you think this is bad, remember that we have another five weeks to go.
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Unless it’s based around paternity results, a primetime network slot on a reality show is good for fighters and good for the sport. But that counter is out the window when you consider “Dancing with the Stars” participant Chuck Liddell is semi-retired, has the charisma of Styrofoam, and all the grace of someone who has been punched in the head for 20 years straight. And this doesn’t even consider the bowler, the feather-boas, and the dance routines that looked like he had stuck his finger in a light socket before taking the stage. Forget his repeated concussions: This is the kind of hurt that stays with you.
9. Afflicted
Dissatisfied with spinning off apparel that would’ve looked dated in a 1985 Misfits video, clothing company Affliction invested millions into a gawky, garish pay-per-view production featuring non-sequitur musical acts and papered crowds. The entire thing was insufferable, but at least we were promised a competitive fight between Fedor Emelianenko and Josh Barnett. Then Barnett urinated motor oil. Then the promotional arm of the company folded. We learned spending millions to make thousands was unsound business.
But at least it’s over, right? No. No, no. Freed from his contract, Emelianenko fought a tire-changer from Sam’s Club. Affliction is the tragedy that keeps on giving.
8. GreaseGate
I can’t override the psychological block created to smother details of B.J. Penn’s complaint against Georges St. Pierre earlier in the year. It had something to do with accusations St. Pierre had his team lubricate his back in order to make it difficult for Penn to defend himself from guard. There were commission hearings, media notices, possibly some kind of Congressional petition -- all over a blob of Vaseline errantly smeared on St. Pierre’s spine, all paid for by the taxpayers of Nevada. Ask for an itemized bill, gang.
7. Silva/Leites: Blame Canada
The greater the exclamations, the greater the expectations: no one was the recipient of more pre-fight hype this year than Anderson Silva, who entered into an April fight with Thales Leites as nothing less than a state-subsidized serial killer. Viewers expected “Mortal Kombat”; what they got was E.T., the Video Game, with Silva reluctant to strike, reluctant to grapple, and reluctant to refund any money. Not only 2009’s worst main event, but one of the worst in history: Silva’s personal “Rocky V.”
6. Holiday Hams
Despite having the screen presence of the catering truck, fighters are being recruited by casting agents and producers with alarming and increasing regularity. (If you don’t believe me, you could suffer through “Blood & Bone, the “Ocean’s 11” of movies with an MMA fetish.) Stunt casting has robbed of us of at least two proper Cung Le bouts in 2009; it appears set to shelve Gina Carano through the middle of next year. And there’s not much else to be said for Quinton Jackson in the “The A-Team,” which might do for Jackson what “Stone Cold” did for Brian Bosworth. Or worse. Fighters are not actors, actors are not rappers, and fans are not so easily swayed.
Check back Thursday for the remaining turkeys.
