Someday -- let's give it an arbitrary passage of a decade -- MMA fandom will examine the dusty history of this sport and wonder many things.
Chief among them: Why in God's name
Randy Couture (Pictures) was ever considered an underdog.
We'll sputter out some lame response: "Um, he was, well, you know …
old." And then we'll change the subject into something less self-incriminating, like the weather. Or maybe we'll flip on the TV and watch a social security-eligible Couture climb Mount Everest while simultaneously reciting pi to the 68,000th digit.
For those of you who simply couldn't tear yourselves away from
Ghost Whisperer, the following notes on Saturday's Couture-centric event might come in handy for the inevitable weekday water-cooler talk.
The live pay-per-view telecast begins.
Georges St. Pierre (Pictures) swears that he will give "110 percent" against the flippant
Josh Koscheck (Pictures), a flagrant disregard for mathematic possibility.
Georges is "'ungry" for the bout; since it appears he actually ate the letter "H," I tend to believe him.
Announcer Mike Goldberg exclaims that there's "not a single ticket to be had" in Las Vegas' Mandalay Bay. I often enjoy Goldberg's hyperbole, but it would still be funny to see an accompanying lie detector light up like a Christmas tree during one of his sales pitches.
Goldberg and Joe Rogan discuss tonight's main event:
Gabriel Gonzaga (Pictures)'s title bid against Couture. Rogan shakes his head in much the same manner one does when one is about to witness Steve-O stick an appendage into an electrical socket.
Kendall Grove (Pictures) is contemplative in his pre-fight interview, assuring fans that he will "elbow the s--t" out of
Patrick Cote (Pictures)'s face. You know what this kid needs? Confidence.
"Cote is truly a predator," intones Goldberg in an attempt to hype the plodding fighter. An onscreen graphic reminds viewers not to operate any heavy machinery after viewing the bout.
Grove is seven inches taller than his opposition, a fact that isn't particularly funny, especially if you're Cote.
Cote is surprisingly aggressive in the opening moments, bullying Grove into the fence.
Someone should remind Cote that the clinch isn't a finishing maneuver.
Herb Dean (Pictures) obliges, and breaks them up.
The crowd boos with inebriated vigor as Cote and Grove return to the clinch. Fool them once, etc.
Thwack. Grove lands a nice body kick.
Cote connects with a solid right that knocks Grove silly. After considering a choke, Cote decides to forego subtlety and proceeds to pound his head like Desi Arnaz on the conga. Cote nabs his first UFC victory inside of the distance.
Keanu Reeves is seen enjoying the show. Let's hope he gets fanatical and nutty in his later years: that
Matrix dough could fund Rickson vs. Karelin in a barb-wire match.
Kobe Bryant is spotted, and summarily booed.
Wanderlei Silva (Pictures) is shown in a video package signing a UFC contract, one which likely binds him to everything from video games to guest appearances on
The Dudesons.
Joe Stevenson (Pictures) and
Kurt Pellegrino (Pictures) are up next. I think Stevenson has the stuff to be the UFC titleholder at 155 pounds, especially with
Sean Sherk (Pictures) potentially in pharmaceutical purgatory.
Pellegrino comes out to Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust."
Pellegrino establishes that Stevenson should be worried about his wrestling: he takes Stevenson down almost immediately.
Stevenson returns the favor with a suplex, which the crowd loves. He tries a guillotine, but can't cinch it.
Round one expires. Pellegrino landed a big punch, but Stevenson had reversals, submission attempts, and the judge-friendly suplex. I'd give it to Joe.
Round two ends. Pellegrino is cut.
Close on the cards, Stevenson responds to a Pellegrino takedown by getting up and charging. He's the fresher of the two by far.
Lee Majors is seen in the crowd with
Forrest Griffin (Pictures), a visual that meets our David Lynch quota of the evening.
It's unanimous -- Stevenson wins the decision.
Reviled former light heavyweight champion
Tito Ortiz (Pictures) is spotted in the crowd with the antibiotic-resistant Jenna Jameson. The size of his head defies classification. My amateur diagnosis is late-onset gigantism.
Fifty-nine percent of cell phone voters believe Couture will beat Gonzaga. This plummets to 45 percent later on in the broadcast when viewers learn Randy will be sponsored by Metamucil.
Roger Huerta (Pictures) versus
Alberto Crane (Pictures) is up next. Huerta is getting a lot of flak for being an over-hyped poster boy for the Mexican demo. This fight should prove a lot, though BJJ expert Crane hasn't fought in over two years.
Huerta lands some audible kicks on Crane.
On the ground, Huerta is moving and countering nicely, landing strikes where and when he can.
Round one ends. Some good scrambles on the mat, with Huerta staying out of trouble and giving Crane a nice mouse under his eye. I'd go Huerta.
Gonzaga is shown preparing for his pending fight with Couture. He looks much thinner in the face.
"Huerta loves to take men down and wail on them," says Goldberg, in the first of many unfortunate statements.
With Crane riding his back, Huerta uses the big-screen in the arena to aim elbows behind him.
A tired and desperate Crane has no answer for Huerta's strikes, so it's stopped. Big win for Huerta.
Third Person Reference Alert: "Mr. Kos is learning how to strike," says Koscheck.
Koscheck enters to a chorus of boos, which may as well be directed at his hair stylist.
GSP comes out to rabid cheers.
GSP takes Koscheck down; Koscheck's "What the … ?" is audible.
Koscheck nails a takedown of his own, but he'll have to work fast: GSP dominated position for the first four minutes of the fight.
Round two sees GSP get a takedown and attempt multiple Kimuras. Koscheck is warned for grabbing his own shorts to avoid getting his arm locked out. Both rounds are all GSP.
Goldberg uses the word "nutrify." Someone should call Webster's.
The fight's over, and one judge has it 29-28 for GSP. Not surprisingly, a seeing-eye dog is seated next to him.
Noted nudist Kevin Bacon directs UFC fans to see his new film,
Death Sentence, opening Aug. 31. Bacon neglects to mention that those wishing to see it earlier can simply rent
Death Wish.
It's nearly time for Couture-Gonzaga. As in all Randy's fights, I'm feeling nervous, trying to stifle a case of restless legs.
Couture comes out to a rock star's welcome. Strangely, he's not wearing his title belt. One presumes
Tim Sylvia (Pictures) is somewhere in the arena, cradling it and weeping.
Goldberg fact-drops that Couture made his debut 61 UFCs ago. Actually, counting the various unnumbered events, it's more like 82.
"The former two-time UFC light heavyweight champion, the UFC Hall of Famer, the two-time UFC heavyweight champion … " Bruce Buffer nearly passes out in announcing Randy's list of accomplishments.
Couture and Gonzaga get right to it, exchanging heavy shots. Couture clinches up.
Randy gets a takedown, but Gonzaga pops right back up.
Couture uses his dirty boxing prowess to rough up Gonzaga. After an earlier headbutt that crushed his nose, Gonzaga spits out chunks of blood and resolve.
Gonzaga launches a facsimile of the high kick that shattered "Cro Cop." Randy ducks it. I remind myself to breathe.
Gonzaga tells
Herb Dean (Pictures) he can't see. Dean informs him that if he can't see, the fight will be stopped. Suddenly, Gonzaga can see.
Round two ends. It's all Randy. Gonzaga's cornermen work on his crumpled nose as blood shoots from various cuts in and around it.
Randy absorbs a high kick from Gonzaga.
An exhausted Gonzaga, likely choking on his own blood, can't prevent a takedown. Randy lands in half-guard and ends the fight with punches. He's done it again.
My only lamentation is that observers may not give Gonzaga his full due: the man has bone-crushing power and world-class submission skills, and I'd put money down that he has a title bid in his future.
But Randy is Randy. At 44, he continues to redefine expectations for personal and professional performance.
It would be a shame if politics "nutrified" MMA's biggest fight possible -- a battle of legacies between Couture and
Fedor Emelianenko (Pictures). Even more embarrassing than defending our misguided predictions years from now would be explaining why this bout never happened.
For comments, email jrossen@sherdog.com
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