Some may have interpreted UFC 77's subtitle, "Hostile Territory," as anticipating Cincinnati's boo-heavy reception for defending middleweight champion Anderson Silva. I took it to mean any enclosed space in which you are forced to defend yourself against Silva's particular brand of violence. He is the sport's equivalent of a root canal: painful, surgical and likely to leave you drooling.

Fighting Silva should, in fact, be cause for a requisite denial on any medical insurance application, along with smoking and skydiving. Until policy changes, enjoy this meandering chronicle of his latest devastation.

10:00 p.m. The pay-per-view telecast opens with the de facto dirt-fondling gladiator, accompanied by the sepia tone found on most sub-$100 home video camcorders. I think I see a time stamp (02/05/99) in the lower corner of the screen.

10:01 p.m. Anderson Silva promises a "fabulous" fight against contender Rich Franklin (Pictures), a word rarely uttered by anyone with testosterone, much less expert knowledge of the Thai clinch.

10:03 p.m. Sixteen-thousand-plus have packed Cincinnati's U.S. Bank Arena, home of underdog Franklin. Announcer Mike Goldberg assesses the scene with all the sharp insight of a Sherlock Holmes and makes a bold proclamation: "A lot of people love Rich Franklin (Pictures) here."

10:06 p.m. In discussing the Tim Sylvia (Pictures)-Brandon Vera (Pictures) heavyweight bout, Goldberg mentions that the winner could be up for a title bid.

To the surprise of no one, not a single word follows about Randy's Couture defection, easily the promotion's biggest news of the year. There was less propaganda spewed in "Birth of a Nation."

10:09 p.m. Alan Belcher (Pictures), who I am almost certain had a psychologically troubling childhood, enters the arena to face Kalib Starnes (Pictures).

10:14 p.m. Belcher's cage banner advertises tardhard.com, the home of "Retard Strength Energy Drinks." Dana White may want to rethink his "Coca Cola needs us, we don't need them" stance.

10:14 p.m. Nick Lachey sighting. Wikipedia tells me that his solo debut album was titled "SoulO," which hints at an IQ that probably doesn't allow him to bathe unassisted.

10:15 p.m. We're in round one. Flying knee by Belcher.

10:16 p.m. Clinch, and another flying knee by Belcher. Starnes returns fire.

10:18 p.m. Uppercut by Belcher. Starnes is bloody but forges on.

10:20 p.m. Round one is over. Starnes has a huge gash on forehead. This gaping wound brought to you by "Saw IV."

10:21 p.m. Round two. Starnes, angered by the unsolicited orifice on his head, comes out aggressively. Belcher smiles as he wades in.

10:23 p.m. Starnes' wound is tended to by a doctor, who utters a disturbing response to an unheard query: "No, that's skull." Not at the top of the list of things you want to hear from a medical professional.

10:23 p.m. The fight is called, TKO via grossness. Starnes yells at a cageside observer that he wanted to fight, but that "the doctor said he could see my skull!" And that pretty much shuts everyone right up.

10:24 p.m. "That's freaky," says Goldberg, who can always be counted on to thoughtfully examine a situation and shed new light.

10:28 p.m. Silva and Franklin are seen arriving at the arena. Franklin enjoys hugs and handshakes, while Silva is hustled in like Oswald before his arraignment.

10:29 p.m. The obscenely mediocre Nov. 17 Newark, N.J., card is previewed. After spending multi-millions to acquire PRIDE, the UFC's high-profile East Coast offering is headlined by Rashad Evans (Pictures) and Michael Bisping (Pictures).

Somewhere in Japan, Takada is laughing. In a diaper.

10:30 p.m. Stephan Bonnar (Pictures) and Eric Schafer (Pictures) prepare to scrap.

10:34 p.m. Bonnar, getting greased up by ring attendants, looks to be in terrific shape, with Leonidas-style abs.

10:38 p.m. Round one. Bonnar and Schafer trade knees in the clinch.

10:40 p.m. A desperate Schafer pulls guard, the grappling equivalent of taking your ugly sister to the prom.

10:42 p.m. After a takedown, Schafer manages to get Bonnar's back and attempts a choke. Bonnar defends well, his "300" workout paying dividends.

10:47 p.m. Round two. Bonnar lands a series of short, chopping strikes from within Eric's guard. Schafer can do little but cover up and mewl. McCarthy intervenes, and Bonnar wins.

10:56 p.m. Jorge Gurgel (Pictures) and Alvin Robinson (Pictures) are up next. Gurgel is a perpetual nuisance for my spell check, which prefers to refer to him as "Gorge Gurgle."

10:57 p.m. "One word," says Gurgel of his strategy. "Pressure, pressure, pressure."

11:04 p.m. Round one. Gurgel is in Robinson's guard. He passes but only briefly.

11:08 p.m. Gurgel is smothering him, garnering mount at the bell.

11:09 p.m. A nice exchange opens round two.

11:11 p.m. Gurgel is now working guard and absorbing lots of strikes from Robinson.

11:12 p.m. Lots of strikes.

11:13 p.m. Really, an abnormal number of strikes.

11:14 p.m. Round two is over. Robinson's relentless hammer fists have done a number on Gurgel's face. Jorge heads for the wrong corner, presumably to get some better advice.

11:15 p.m. Round three. Robinson is back in Gurgel's guard, delivering a series of hard punches to Gurgel's increasingly malformed chin. You pick the tired reference: Jorge's lumpy, misshapen mug is beginning to resemble:

A) Rocky Dennis
B) John Merrick
C) Sloth from "The Goonies"
D) Josh Gross

11:20 p.m. The round -- and fight -- is over. Robinson wins a decision, which prompts the pro-Gurgel crowd to stare listlessly at their feet and share an awkward silence.

11:26 p.m. Noted DMT enthusiast Joe Rogan introduces Brock "Larsnar," the UFC's recent heavyweight acquisition.

His tenure in the insipid world of pro wrestling aside, anyone with an NCAA pedigree that weighs 260 pounds and moves well is going to be a huge headache for opponents. Lesnar likely had his pick of contracts for freak show promotions; opting for the UFC's relatively serious division is a good sign that he has something he wants to prove.

One hopes that, unlike most amateur wrestlers from years past, he won't consider tanning to be part of cross training.

11:28 p.m. Sylvia-Vera is up next. They trade videotaped barbs.

11:33 p.m. Vera enters the arena.

11:35 p.m. Sylvia strolls in sporting some Xtreme Couture swag. If you can't beat ‘em, let them sponsor you.

11:40 p.m. There's a smattering of boos for Sylvia, who will always be the perpetual heel thanks to his oversized stature.

11:41 p.m. Goldberg mentions that the winner could be in line for a title shot versus Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (Pictures). I am fairly certain there are tens of thousands of viewers who don't frequent MMA sites that are now wondering if Randy Couture (Pictures) was simply a figment of their imagination.

11:42 p.m. For reasons I cannot begin to fathom, Vera wants the fight in the clinch. Sylvia smothers him against the cage, drowning him in a sea of bad tattoos and love handles.

11:44 p.m. "C'mon, Brandon." Three minutes of clinch work, and even Sylvia is getting bored.

11:45 p.m. They finally separate. Vera lands some thwapping leg kicks and seems to do well when he has the space to work.

11:46 p.m. A lackluster first round ends. Sylvia takes it via big-man stifling.

11:47 p.m. Vera opens round two with a high kick that misses, but it still captures the crowd's attention. Now Sylvia is the one who wants to clinch, bullying Vera against the cage. Referee Yves Lavigne is apparently the only one entertained, as he doesn't move in to break it up.

11:50 p.m. Vera gets a takedown and moves to side-control. He lands knees to the body.

11:52 p.m. While a rising Sylvia has one knee on the mat, Vera clocks him with a knee to the temple and gets off with a warning. Sylvia shakes his head and swats at the hovering biplanes.

11:53 p.m. Vera closes round two with a huge body kick. He won the round. Dead-even fight.

11:54 p.m. Round three begins with more clinching. Sylvia is aggressive when they separate, though, landing solid strikes and backing Vera up.

11:58 p.m. Vera is cut. Sylvia continues to stalk him. Apparently he felt what Vera had in the first and decided it wasn't anything to worry about.

11:59 p.m. Third round ends. Sylvia wins it, along with the fight.

12:02 a.m. Judges give it to Sylvia, with one scoring it 29-27. I'm not sure I'd go that far, as Vera is blemish-free in the post-fight interview. He really needs to give up the desserts and head for 205, where his standup would give anyone fits.

12:08 a.m. Silva and Franklin are up next. Not only will Silva have to ignore the partisan crowd, he didn't arrive in Cincinnati until Thursday.

12:13 a.m. Franklin enters to a raucous reception. He looks very relaxed.

12:17 a.m. Silva also looks relaxed and bounces toward the cage, oblivious to the communal hatred being tossed his way.

12:22 a.m. Both men look skyward for divine inspiration. Who will God favor?

12:24 a.m. The Almighty chuckles as Rich is pulled into a near-clinch with Silva, site of his last mauling. Franklin avoids the touch of death and gets him down.

12:25 a.m. They're back up. Silva lands a nice spinning back kick.

12:28 a.m. Hard knees by Silva. He drops Franklin with a right hand, which splays him out on the mat just as the round expires.

12:30 a.m. Round two. Silva gets full clinch now and lands a series of hard knees. Franklin goes down for good, his nose unsure of which direction to bend in.

12:36 a.m. We learn that Franklin not only lost in his hometown but also on his wife's birthday. God, I am so depressed right now.

Silva is turning out to be a true terror in the middleweight division, a striker with peerless accuracy who can more than hold his own on the canvas. Eight-time defending welterweight Matt Hughes (Pictures) has expressed interest in moving up to fight Silva in 2008. With Dan Henderson (Pictures) enjoying his carbs, Hughes may represent the division's best chance.

Just don't tell Blue Cross about it.

For comments, e-mail jrossen@sherdog.com