Minute-by-Minute: bodogFight
Thanks to a prime slot on the penetrating Men’s Outdoor and
Recreation Network, over two dozen people were expected to order
bodogFight’s inaugural pay-per-view offering. Of course I kid. (The
estimate was three dozen.)
Saturday’s debut offering by the rookie fight promotion was the latest attempt to usurp the dominance of the Ultimate Fighting Championship in the exploding market of controlled violence. At a bloated four hours, the event was one of the longest U.S. PPV shows to date, making it the Gone with the Wind of punching people in the face — in length, not necessarily quality.
For those of you not disposed to spending $30 on a card headlined by an unknown and potentially counterfeit Gracie, these notes are likely the best possible substitute.
9:00 p.m. In a terminally silly opening montage, we learn gabillionaire gambling czar Calvin Ayre created bodogFight; Ayre is described as a “world leader in digital entertainment,” which appears to be a politically correct term for “sports betting is a license to print money.” Ayre likes to be seen carousing and riding bikes, and also carousing while riding a bike.
9:03 p.m. We’re in the PNE Agrodome in Vancouver, neutral territory for their archaic USA vs. Russia motif. Didn’t Rocky IV pretty much say all that needed to be said on the topic?
Oddly, the “Best of” series has an even number of fights, which could conceivably resolve nothing at all.
9:05 p.m. Lon McEachern is on the play-by-play mic. I Google him and learn that he’s a familiar voice on the poker circuit, as well as the host of the unfortunately named ESPN series On the Pole. I have no idea what that means, nor am I eager to find out. Reformed pro wrestler Paul Lazenby is on color.
9:07 p.m. There’s Jeff Osborne (Pictures). I wonder if he’ll work in a plug for his staggeringly offensive “Retard Energy Drink” before spiraling down to some newly discovered circle of Hell.
9:08 p.m. “Bodog international recording artist” Bif Naked is introduced as the evening’s MC. Her voice is somewhere north of an alarm clock situated next to a megaphone on the annoying scale. Possibly more so.
9:12 p.m. American Mike Patt and Russian Martin Malkhasyan start things off in a light heavyweight bout; Lazenby notes that Patt has ”a bad stomach flu.” Let’s hope we don’t witness any in-ring accidents.
9:20 p.m. Round one ends. Belying his intestinal duress, Patt was the more aggressive of the two.
9:22 p.m. While Patt tries to not vomit in the ring, I want to take a moment and observe that the commentary work is pretty solid, particularly Lazenby. Like a film score, good commentating shouldn’t really draw attention to itself. Live commentary has remained MMA’s weakest link in terms of production, but Bodog seems to have avoided the trap.
9:23 p.m. Despite being punched in the stomach, Patt has yet to yarf.
9:26 p.m. Patt ends round two on top of Malkhasyan. Not much is happening.
9:32 p.m. The bell sounds, ending a lackluster third round. Both fighters were too weathered to push any effective attack, but Patt kept coming forward.
9:34 p.m. Patt wins a split decision and is presented with a nice victory ring. Being an undercard fighter, he immediately pawns it.
9:39 p.m. Welterweight Keith Wisniewski (Pictures) makes his entrance, replacing the injured Jorge Masvidal.
9:46 p.m. Round one ends with a put upon Wisniewski flooring Erik Oganov (Pictures) with a huge right hand. Oganov controlled most of the round, but it was the American who scored the knockdown. USA! USA!
9:51 p.m. Oganov attempts a heelhook just as the bell sounds. Round two saw Wisniewski smothering Oganov’s offense by backing him into corners and attacking the body.
9:58 p.m. Wisniewski ends a difficult fight by garnering mount and landing a few blows …
10:00 p.m. … which isn’t enough to convince the judges to give him the nod. The durable Russian Red Devils, led by Fedor Emelianenko (Pictures) (who does not appear to be in attendance) are now 1-1 on the evening.
10:02 p.m. Jeff Osborne (Pictures) refers to the production of the show as “the real deal.” Subtext?
10:07 p.m. Nick Agallar (Pictures), a lightweight fighter that seems built for the welterweight division, lands several harsh kicks to the thighs of Vladimir Zenin (Pictures).
10:10 p.m. Zenin lands a left hook that floors Agallar, then follows up with devastating punches to delicate parts of his brain. Agallar’s ability to remember where he left his car keys just leaked out his ear.
10:17 p.m. His motherland up 2-1, Ansar Chalangov (Pictures) gets an immediate takedown on Nick Thompson (Pictures), who slides in between the ropes; Chalangov tries to drag him back into the ring like an errant abductee into a van.
10:18 p.m. Chalangov goes for a toehold but misses. Of the hundreds of lower-body submission attempts I’ve seen in MMA, roughly three have actually worked … and one of them was against Tank Abbott. So, not exactly a ringing endorsement.
10:22 p.m. After an incredible ground scramble, the American secures a rear-naked choke and Chalangov taps at 4:59 of the first. I predict a daily penance of three bowls of cold mashed potatoes and mat scrubbing for the loser. In other words, business as usual.
10:24 p.m. Bif returns to the ring to noxiously announce a special Bam Margera video. One patron helpfully suggests that she “shut up.”
10:25 p.m. Bam’s wacky antics with his parents are seen in a mercifully brief clip, which is really awkward and out of place. Fighting events have a particular vibe that really doesn’t lend itself to jarring tonal changes. You’re not going to catch a Terms of Endearment DVD plug on a Cage Rage show.
10:30 p.m. The lone women’s fight on the card is underway, with female Red Devil (is that redundant?) Julia Berezekova (Pictures) pitted against Tara Larosa (Pictures).
10:33 p.m. Larosa is controlling the bout. The sight of a woman holding another woman in her guard is surprisingly well tolerated by the crowd.
10:36 p.m. Jeff Sherwood sighting on the ring apron. I really doubt this is the first time he’s seen two women entwined mere feet in front of him. The man has game, people.
10:38 p.m. Berezekova nearly escapes from a tight, ugly-looking armbar, but eventually succumbs. This was the second compelling women’s fight on American television in less than a month. I hope we get to see more.
10:51 p.m. Chael Sonnen (Pictures) and Alexey Oleinik (Pictures) are squaring off. Round one ends with Sonnen in complete control, peppering Oleinik with punches, content to remain nestled in his guard.
10:57 p.m. See above, replacing “one” with “two.”
11:03 p.m. Yup, more of the same.
11:05 p.m. Sonnen wins a decision. Six fights in just over two hours: there’s very little filler on this show.
11:14 p.m. The fight between massive Mario Rinaldi (Pictures) and Sergey Kaznovsky (Pictures) is broken up when Kaznovsky delivers several illegal knees to Rinaldi’s head on the mat. It’s restarted in the same position. Rinaldi is doing as he pleases.
11:17 p.m. The 272-pound Kaznovsky connects with a flying knee that sounded like one of those pastry cans popping. Rinaldi is gushing blood. He still manages the takedown.
11:23 p.m. Round two ends — the doctor had examined Rinaldi’s cut and deemed him fit to continue punching the Russian in the face.
11:28 p.m. Osborne confirms what Sherdog.com reported on Friday: Fedor will be coming to the bodogFIGHT ring in March of 2007. I lament this, if only because Bodog has yet to sign any other certified heavyweights to oppose him.
11:30 p.m. Rinaldi wins a decision, primarily for controlling Kaznovsky but also for performing a back flip after the bout. If you’ve seen this man — who looks as though he gets his nutrition tips from Butterbean — you know how impressive that is.
11:35 p.m. Osborne informs us that scalpers were getting “$500 per ticket to get into the building tonight.” Insert joke here.
11:38 p.m. The ring appears to be broken. Officials are scrambling to repair an errant rope. Considering over 500 pounds recently occupied it, it’s no small wonder.
11:39 p.m. An increasingly inebriated Bif returns to appeal to the apathetic crowd. “Are you enjoying the fights tonight?” she asks. “Meh,” they respond.
11:40 p.m. A live-to-tape Calvin Ayre announces Chael Sonnen (Pictures) as the winner of the bodogFight contest, netting $50,000 for being a viewer’s choice favorite.
11:44 p.m. Osborne chides the dreamy-looking Andrei Semenov (Pictures) for being “in a boyfriend … er, boy band.” Mike Goldberg has been officially usurped.
11:52 p.m. Trevor Prangley (Pictures) and Semenov’s first round ends. Some good action, but Prangley isn’t known to be Mr. Exciting. Or even Mr. Diverting.
11:58 p.m. Round two is in the books. Some nice fireworks, but Prangley is still dominating position.
12:06 p.m. Prangley wins a hard-earned decision. USA takes the series, 6-2. Fedor just made a call ordering the burning of several villages.
12:07 a.m. “Heyyyyy.” It’s Bif. Again. Great. She awards the victorious “team” with a trophy.
12:12 a.m. It’s a montage of Antonio “Junior” Silva, a mammoth Brazilian with a chin the size of an anvil. He’s facing Eric Pele (Pictures).
12:19 a.m. Silva’s stand-up looks decent as he unloads on a hapless Pele. A timeout is called after a junk shot to Pele’s squirrel cheeks.
12:21 a.m. Cornered and desperate, Pele drops Silva with a punch, then follows up with strikes for the upset victory. Elated, Pele shakes his prodigious belly in open defiance of society’s expectations for the obese.
12:29 a.m. The arena is aghast at Bif informing them they’ll have to sit through a number by Bodog recording artist NeuroSonic. Anyone remember Zuffa Records? Yeah, me neither.
12:37 a.m. The broadcasters hype up their main event, the MMA debut of Roger Gracie (Pictures) against well-muscled Ron Waterman (Pictures). Gracie comes in with impeccable credentials, having run the gauntlet at Abu Dhabi. I’m actually excited for this. Waterman is no pushover.
12:38 a.m. McEachern makes note that Roger Gracie (Pictures) prefers his name pronounced with an “R” as opposed to the standard “H” of the Brazilian dialect.
12:42 a.m. Waterman weighs-in at 274; Gracie at 220. The dichotomy doesn’t seem to reconcile with NSAC standards. But, hey, it’s Vancouver. Free health care.
12:45 a.m. Despite his comparatively slim build, Gracie absolutely towers over Waterman.
12:48 a.m. On his back, Gracie tries an armbar: Waterman shakes it off.
12:50 a.m. Gracie tries another armbar, and this time he gets it. Gracie gets his first mixed-style win, and Waterman his first submission loss.
12:56 a.m. Lazenby asks Roger if he’d care to fight Fedor. In most states, this would be considered conspiracy to commit murder.
12:59 a.m.The show is over and I have no idea what happened to Aaron Riley (Pictures)’s scheduled welterweight title bout against Eddie Alvarez (Pictures). Osborne informs us we can watch it online.
Sadly, this wasn’t nearly the train wreck I was expecting; Gracie has real potential, the production was polished, and Paul Lazenby is probably the most articulate fighter-turned-commentator since Mr. T.
Thirty bucks buys you 11 fights and Fedor Emelianenko (Pictures) in March. While the Bodog brand may not resonate with casual fans, the die-hards should appreciate the value. The money saved could be used for more pizza, chips, or — better yet — a ballgag for Bif.
For comments, email jrossen@sherdog.com
Saturday’s debut offering by the rookie fight promotion was the latest attempt to usurp the dominance of the Ultimate Fighting Championship in the exploding market of controlled violence. At a bloated four hours, the event was one of the longest U.S. PPV shows to date, making it the Gone with the Wind of punching people in the face — in length, not necessarily quality.
For those of you not disposed to spending $30 on a card headlined by an unknown and potentially counterfeit Gracie, these notes are likely the best possible substitute.
9:00 p.m. In a terminally silly opening montage, we learn gabillionaire gambling czar Calvin Ayre created bodogFight; Ayre is described as a “world leader in digital entertainment,” which appears to be a politically correct term for “sports betting is a license to print money.” Ayre likes to be seen carousing and riding bikes, and also carousing while riding a bike.
9:03 p.m. We’re in the PNE Agrodome in Vancouver, neutral territory for their archaic USA vs. Russia motif. Didn’t Rocky IV pretty much say all that needed to be said on the topic?
Oddly, the “Best of” series has an even number of fights, which could conceivably resolve nothing at all.
9:05 p.m. Lon McEachern is on the play-by-play mic. I Google him and learn that he’s a familiar voice on the poker circuit, as well as the host of the unfortunately named ESPN series On the Pole. I have no idea what that means, nor am I eager to find out. Reformed pro wrestler Paul Lazenby is on color.
9:07 p.m. There’s Jeff Osborne (Pictures). I wonder if he’ll work in a plug for his staggeringly offensive “Retard Energy Drink” before spiraling down to some newly discovered circle of Hell.
9:08 p.m. “Bodog international recording artist” Bif Naked is introduced as the evening’s MC. Her voice is somewhere north of an alarm clock situated next to a megaphone on the annoying scale. Possibly more so.
9:12 p.m. American Mike Patt and Russian Martin Malkhasyan start things off in a light heavyweight bout; Lazenby notes that Patt has ”a bad stomach flu.” Let’s hope we don’t witness any in-ring accidents.
9:20 p.m. Round one ends. Belying his intestinal duress, Patt was the more aggressive of the two.
9:22 p.m. While Patt tries to not vomit in the ring, I want to take a moment and observe that the commentary work is pretty solid, particularly Lazenby. Like a film score, good commentating shouldn’t really draw attention to itself. Live commentary has remained MMA’s weakest link in terms of production, but Bodog seems to have avoided the trap.
9:23 p.m. Despite being punched in the stomach, Patt has yet to yarf.
9:26 p.m. Patt ends round two on top of Malkhasyan. Not much is happening.
9:32 p.m. The bell sounds, ending a lackluster third round. Both fighters were too weathered to push any effective attack, but Patt kept coming forward.
9:34 p.m. Patt wins a split decision and is presented with a nice victory ring. Being an undercard fighter, he immediately pawns it.
9:39 p.m. Welterweight Keith Wisniewski (Pictures) makes his entrance, replacing the injured Jorge Masvidal.
9:46 p.m. Round one ends with a put upon Wisniewski flooring Erik Oganov (Pictures) with a huge right hand. Oganov controlled most of the round, but it was the American who scored the knockdown. USA! USA!
9:51 p.m. Oganov attempts a heelhook just as the bell sounds. Round two saw Wisniewski smothering Oganov’s offense by backing him into corners and attacking the body.
9:58 p.m. Wisniewski ends a difficult fight by garnering mount and landing a few blows …
10:00 p.m. … which isn’t enough to convince the judges to give him the nod. The durable Russian Red Devils, led by Fedor Emelianenko (Pictures) (who does not appear to be in attendance) are now 1-1 on the evening.
10:02 p.m. Jeff Osborne (Pictures) refers to the production of the show as “the real deal.” Subtext?
10:07 p.m. Nick Agallar (Pictures), a lightweight fighter that seems built for the welterweight division, lands several harsh kicks to the thighs of Vladimir Zenin (Pictures).
10:10 p.m. Zenin lands a left hook that floors Agallar, then follows up with devastating punches to delicate parts of his brain. Agallar’s ability to remember where he left his car keys just leaked out his ear.
10:17 p.m. His motherland up 2-1, Ansar Chalangov (Pictures) gets an immediate takedown on Nick Thompson (Pictures), who slides in between the ropes; Chalangov tries to drag him back into the ring like an errant abductee into a van.
10:18 p.m. Chalangov goes for a toehold but misses. Of the hundreds of lower-body submission attempts I’ve seen in MMA, roughly three have actually worked … and one of them was against Tank Abbott. So, not exactly a ringing endorsement.
10:22 p.m. After an incredible ground scramble, the American secures a rear-naked choke and Chalangov taps at 4:59 of the first. I predict a daily penance of three bowls of cold mashed potatoes and mat scrubbing for the loser. In other words, business as usual.
10:24 p.m. Bif returns to the ring to noxiously announce a special Bam Margera video. One patron helpfully suggests that she “shut up.”
10:25 p.m. Bam’s wacky antics with his parents are seen in a mercifully brief clip, which is really awkward and out of place. Fighting events have a particular vibe that really doesn’t lend itself to jarring tonal changes. You’re not going to catch a Terms of Endearment DVD plug on a Cage Rage show.
10:30 p.m. The lone women’s fight on the card is underway, with female Red Devil (is that redundant?) Julia Berezekova (Pictures) pitted against Tara Larosa (Pictures).
10:33 p.m. Larosa is controlling the bout. The sight of a woman holding another woman in her guard is surprisingly well tolerated by the crowd.
10:36 p.m. Jeff Sherwood sighting on the ring apron. I really doubt this is the first time he’s seen two women entwined mere feet in front of him. The man has game, people.
10:38 p.m. Berezekova nearly escapes from a tight, ugly-looking armbar, but eventually succumbs. This was the second compelling women’s fight on American television in less than a month. I hope we get to see more.
10:51 p.m. Chael Sonnen (Pictures) and Alexey Oleinik (Pictures) are squaring off. Round one ends with Sonnen in complete control, peppering Oleinik with punches, content to remain nestled in his guard.
10:57 p.m. See above, replacing “one” with “two.”
11:03 p.m. Yup, more of the same.
11:05 p.m. Sonnen wins a decision. Six fights in just over two hours: there’s very little filler on this show.
11:14 p.m. The fight between massive Mario Rinaldi (Pictures) and Sergey Kaznovsky (Pictures) is broken up when Kaznovsky delivers several illegal knees to Rinaldi’s head on the mat. It’s restarted in the same position. Rinaldi is doing as he pleases.
11:17 p.m. The 272-pound Kaznovsky connects with a flying knee that sounded like one of those pastry cans popping. Rinaldi is gushing blood. He still manages the takedown.
11:23 p.m. Round two ends — the doctor had examined Rinaldi’s cut and deemed him fit to continue punching the Russian in the face.
11:28 p.m. Osborne confirms what Sherdog.com reported on Friday: Fedor will be coming to the bodogFIGHT ring in March of 2007. I lament this, if only because Bodog has yet to sign any other certified heavyweights to oppose him.
11:30 p.m. Rinaldi wins a decision, primarily for controlling Kaznovsky but also for performing a back flip after the bout. If you’ve seen this man — who looks as though he gets his nutrition tips from Butterbean — you know how impressive that is.
11:35 p.m. Osborne informs us that scalpers were getting “$500 per ticket to get into the building tonight.” Insert joke here.
11:38 p.m. The ring appears to be broken. Officials are scrambling to repair an errant rope. Considering over 500 pounds recently occupied it, it’s no small wonder.
11:39 p.m. An increasingly inebriated Bif returns to appeal to the apathetic crowd. “Are you enjoying the fights tonight?” she asks. “Meh,” they respond.
11:40 p.m. A live-to-tape Calvin Ayre announces Chael Sonnen (Pictures) as the winner of the bodogFight contest, netting $50,000 for being a viewer’s choice favorite.
11:44 p.m. Osborne chides the dreamy-looking Andrei Semenov (Pictures) for being “in a boyfriend … er, boy band.” Mike Goldberg has been officially usurped.
11:52 p.m. Trevor Prangley (Pictures) and Semenov’s first round ends. Some good action, but Prangley isn’t known to be Mr. Exciting. Or even Mr. Diverting.
11:58 p.m. Round two is in the books. Some nice fireworks, but Prangley is still dominating position.
12:06 p.m. Prangley wins a hard-earned decision. USA takes the series, 6-2. Fedor just made a call ordering the burning of several villages.
12:07 a.m. “Heyyyyy.” It’s Bif. Again. Great. She awards the victorious “team” with a trophy.
12:12 a.m. It’s a montage of Antonio “Junior” Silva, a mammoth Brazilian with a chin the size of an anvil. He’s facing Eric Pele (Pictures).
12:19 a.m. Silva’s stand-up looks decent as he unloads on a hapless Pele. A timeout is called after a junk shot to Pele’s squirrel cheeks.
12:21 a.m. Cornered and desperate, Pele drops Silva with a punch, then follows up with strikes for the upset victory. Elated, Pele shakes his prodigious belly in open defiance of society’s expectations for the obese.
12:29 a.m. The arena is aghast at Bif informing them they’ll have to sit through a number by Bodog recording artist NeuroSonic. Anyone remember Zuffa Records? Yeah, me neither.
12:37 a.m. The broadcasters hype up their main event, the MMA debut of Roger Gracie (Pictures) against well-muscled Ron Waterman (Pictures). Gracie comes in with impeccable credentials, having run the gauntlet at Abu Dhabi. I’m actually excited for this. Waterman is no pushover.
12:38 a.m. McEachern makes note that Roger Gracie (Pictures) prefers his name pronounced with an “R” as opposed to the standard “H” of the Brazilian dialect.
12:42 a.m. Waterman weighs-in at 274; Gracie at 220. The dichotomy doesn’t seem to reconcile with NSAC standards. But, hey, it’s Vancouver. Free health care.
12:45 a.m. Despite his comparatively slim build, Gracie absolutely towers over Waterman.
12:48 a.m. On his back, Gracie tries an armbar: Waterman shakes it off.
12:50 a.m. Gracie tries another armbar, and this time he gets it. Gracie gets his first mixed-style win, and Waterman his first submission loss.
12:56 a.m. Lazenby asks Roger if he’d care to fight Fedor. In most states, this would be considered conspiracy to commit murder.
12:59 a.m.The show is over and I have no idea what happened to Aaron Riley (Pictures)’s scheduled welterweight title bout against Eddie Alvarez (Pictures). Osborne informs us we can watch it online.
Sadly, this wasn’t nearly the train wreck I was expecting; Gracie has real potential, the production was polished, and Paul Lazenby is probably the most articulate fighter-turned-commentator since Mr. T.
Thirty bucks buys you 11 fights and Fedor Emelianenko (Pictures) in March. While the Bodog brand may not resonate with casual fans, the die-hards should appreciate the value. The money saved could be used for more pizza, chips, or — better yet — a ballgag for Bif.
For comments, email jrossen@sherdog.com
