Yes, this happened. | Ed Mulholland/Zuffa LLC/Getty Images
Sherdog.com is reviving an old tradition.
Long before blogging and social media were integrated into the human process on fight night, there was Sherdog’s minute-by-minute. Your humor is missed and unmatched, Mr. Jake Rossen.
Referenced for you below is a journey through the mixed martial arts world for nearly six hours as UFC Fight Night “Swanson vs. Stephens” unfolded on Saturday in San Antonio.
7:41 p.m. ET: Alexey Oleinik hits an amateurish neck crank on the Greg Jackson-trained Anthony Hamilton. Yes, hell just froze over. Or, this is just a new low for heavyweight “prospects” in the UFC.
7:55 p.m. ET: Dominick Cruz offers predictions for tonight’s bouts on Fox Sports 1’s UFC pre-fight show, and I seriously fear he may be injured in the process. It’s a damn shame severe injuries have derailed his career: Let’s not forget he was the quicker and more polished fighter against Demetrious Johnson in an October 2011. Yes, I said quicker than Demetrious Johnson, even if it was a 135-pound bout.
8:07 p.m. ET: Ray Borg gets the televised card started with a sick rear-naked choke against Shane Howell. Seeing a man choose to get choked unconscious rather than tap is always inspiring to me. Inspiring in the same mold as that woman I saw in Ann Arbor, Mich., text driving with an unrestrained infant sitting on her lap. Did I mention she was smoking, too?
8:27 p.m. ET: Two weeks ago, Mel Gibson was spotted in attendance at UFC Fight Night Albuquerque. Tonight in San Antonio, I saw Jaguar Paw from Gibson’s “Apocalypto” in Marcelo Guimaraes’ corner. Conspiracy? We know who runs Hollywood, Mel, but who runs the official UFC celebrity placement strategy? Geez.
8:50 p.m. ET: Guimaraes gets a split decision nod over Andy Enz. Texas judge Joe Soliz just gave Enz three rounds there. Really? Please go stare at the sun until your vision improves, sir. The state of Texas proves once again the only thing it is good for is Dallas Cowboys football. Oh, wait: one playoff win in 18 years hardly qualifies.
9:03 p.m. ET: Cody Gibson gets a gift win as an off-balance Johnny Bedford is grazed by a right hand and referee Kerry Hatley steps in. Atrocious stoppage, people. I’ve seen players in the World Cup flop from less and get laughed at by officials in recent weeks. Booooo!
9:27 p.m. ET: Carlos Diego Ferreira judo tosses Colton Smith and then locks on a big-brotherly rear-naked choke with no hooks in the opening minute. “The Ultimate Fighter” Season 16 winner has lost his last three fights by sub or knockout since clinching the series by defeating Mike Ricci. Could Smith go down as the worst “TUF” winner ever? Efrain Escudero sure hopes so …
9:36 p.m. ET: News breaks that Chael Sonnen has allegedly failed a second drug test in Nevada. Every reporter and editor in the industry immediately abandons any UFC Fight Night duties to attend to the situation, much like Sonnen abandoned any integrity when he made the decision to cheat his peers so brazenly. May all of his accomplishments be accompanied by an asterisk.
10:16 p.m. ET: James Moontasri busts up Joe Ellenberger’s face something serious with a kick and a left hand. Still, all I can think about is how Sonnen and all other Testosterone Replacement Therapy recipients in the sport are no better than baseball disgraces Rafael Palmeiro, Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Braun. Yes, all of them.
10:29 p.m. ET: I just realized what a war Ellenberger-Moontasri was. In other news, Sonnen is still an asshole.
10:56 p.m. ET: Just when Clint Hester found a rhythm of violence and appeared to be on his way to a thorough curbstomping finish of Antonio Braga Neto, he slipped and fell to the canvas. Thankfully, Herb Dean is overseeing the action instead of an unnamed lesser-skilled official (Hatley, oops). With the benefit of proper officiating, Hester goes on to claim a decision win.
11:33 p.m. ET: Ricardo Lamas outpoints Hacran Dias in a stinker of a fight. The Texas crowd embraces Lamas during his post-fight interview with the same warmth it showed Terrell Owens when he stood on the star at Texas Stadium’s 50-yard-line as a 49er in 2000. Unfortunately, there’s no George Teague around to lift the spirits of those in attendance.
11:58 p.m. ET: Andrew Craig and Cezar Ferreira just wrapped up two rounds of what is a tepid affair, and the only thing worth mentioning is the Vitor Belfort protégé’s bad ink. Remember when oversized kanji tattoos were cool and desirable? Me neither.
12:01 a.m. ET: Ferreira just blasted Craig with a standing elbow that opened a three-inch gash above the right eye. Somewhere, Bas Rutten is spreading the anti-elbow gospel to people that would go tell him to stand in the corner. That is, if he wasn’t Bas Rutten and would eject their teeth for being so disrespectful.
12:40 a.m. ET: While Colton Smith is in the conversation with the worst “TUF” winners of all-time, Kelvin Gastelum may end up being the best. The 22-year-old rallied from a shaky first round to dismantle Nicholas Musoke over the next 10 minutes en route to a bullish unanimous decision. Undefeated at 10-0, the Yuma, Ariz., resident must grab hold of his weight issues if he is to remain in the welterweight division after failing to hit his contracted mark for the second consecutive outing. This kid has all of the tools to be a great fighter, especially where it counts most: in his heart.
1:22 a.m. ET: Cub Swanson and Jeremy Stephens raise their hands immediately following a solid five-round battle. Only Swanson had his raised in the end, but there was no loser in this headliner. The Jackson-Wink MMA representative will likely be next in line to take on the Jose Aldo-Chad Mendes winner -- a tall task either way. Stephens, too, deserves an elite opponent.